Hard to believe I am now more than 10% of the way through this journey, at least physically. Emotionally I'm somewhere else on the track and unsure of which direction that train is headed.
Back in Denver I have a lot of "friends and acquaintances" especially at my home church. Hard to tell on the road just how many realize I'm really gone. In truth, I have a hard time making really close friends, especially after my closest friend in the world transitioned about four years ago. My responsibility to maintain my own world so, no blame game here, just a reality that I feel a little more alone on the road than usual. And the severe rain and thunderstorms yesterday in Cincinnati and vicinity did not help the mood.
I'm not quite meeting the people on the road I had anticipated getting to know. I expected to be interacting with more veterans along the way, especially since I am being supported largely by American Legion and VFW posts, but they would just as soon make a reservation for me and send me directly to the hotel without much personal interaction. And when I do spend time in a post with other vets, there is a lot of silence, a lot of solitary smoking and drinking, even in groups, that I feel closed off to. And, personally, I don't drink much and can't stand smoke, and can't seem to hide it...a real conundrum.
And when I stay at a private home, notably those associated with other churches within the community of my home church I have great visits, sleep well, and when I leave, I reflect on the perfection of their lives and spirits which deepens my own feelings of isolation.
But, this is the road I've chosen. It is the path for which I have cajoled donations from a lot of friends and strangers, for which i have planned extensively, and on which I still expect to meet a lot of incredible people along the way. So, I'll persevere.
It's not exactly like Cortez, or one of those guys way back when who burned his ships after reaching the new world so his men had no choice but to move forward. I know I am always at choice, and I am choosing anew each day.
Looking ahead, I will be spending three days in D.C. with my sponsors at United Charitable Programs, Two nights with a former roommate in Baltimore, a couple more with a friend in New York, and the rest of the year will be filled in with other friends, family and acquaintances, both old and new.
Whether or not I choose to see it, it is all good.
The diary of this journey is now located on the VVMT new website:
http://vietnamveteransmemorialtour.org/week-6-a-little-ahead-a-little-back/
Please consider a donation to assist us in completing this mission:
http://vietnamveteransmemorialtour.org/donate/
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This made me sad . . . thinking of you being lonely. I wish I could come and spend time touring with you. Maybe later on during your journey.
ReplyDeleteYou are very much loved and missed by your family and I'm very sure your friends and church family in Denver feel your absence!
Love from your Sister!
An awfully lot of veterans ARE isolated, even in 'community'. I believe the primary reason is because of lingering PTSD.
ReplyDeleteThere will be way too many stories left untold, and way too many members of warriors' families who will never have understood their veteran members because it wasn't possible for the veteran to open his heart to them. It is a very sad state of affairs.
In some cases, the veteran seeks solace in alcohol (or other drug of choice) in an attempt to repress the emotions dragging him into depression through survivor's guilt.
Some may eventually 'open up' and speak of the hurt inside, but most will not and simply carry their burdens to the grave.